


at the bottom of everything (there's us)

by silkbonnet



Series: soft landing [1]
Category: New Amsterdam (TV 2018)
Genre: F/F, Workplace Relationship, lauren is emotionally constipated but she's trying ×
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-05
Updated: 2019-10-18
Packaged: 2020-10-10 09:34:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 12,191
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20525825
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/silkbonnet/pseuds/silkbonnet
Summary: they stumble into it.





	1. Kinda dark, kinda true.

**Author's Note:**

> i know in canon it's been 6 years but i changed it to 3 because i refuse to believe they would go 6 years without falling into bed.

Lauren is late.

Helen doesn't worry, not really because Lauren is always late. Dinner needs 40 more minutes anyway. She got in a little late, so the chicken had to go in on a slightly higher setting. It might be dry but it'll be edible. She checks her phone but the last message from Lauren is the same 'can't wait!' with too many emojis from 2 hours ago. Lauren texts like a teenager who's had one too many energy drinks, with oversized emojis and weird punctuation, putting numbers where letters should be. It's annoyingly endearing.

Turning up the heat up on the chicken, she checks the timer again and after chugging a glass of truly terrible wine (patient gifts are always terrible or strange or a weird mix of both) decides to tackle the paperwork she's ignored in favour of making dinner. The words are starting to bleed into each other and her mind is turning into mush so she almost doesn't hear the 'ding' of the timer. Her stomach rumbles, and after giving the chicken a considering look she rips off part of a leg. It's better than she had hoped and she has to stop herself from picking at it.

A glance at the clock tells her too much time has passed and even as she wills Lauren to show up with a good excuse and better wine, she knows it's fruitless. Lauren isn't ever this late and if it was a patient she would have updated her by now. Probably. She gets so lost in work sometimes, becomes so focused on one thing, lets the world fade away. Somehow Helen knows this isn't that. She gets what's happening. She's been stood up by someone who usually wouldn't even flag on her radar.

That's not entirely fair but she's not really feeling charitable right now.

Mostly she feels ridiculous, confused. This is the third time this week Lauren's been late for plans and sure the other two were in between breaks and yes, Lauren is always late but this is different. The more she thinks about it the angrier she gets, actually. Lauren was the one to suggest a night in all, 'it'll be fun, we'll cook,' which Helen should have known really meant she'd cook. Lauren's idea of a list of ingredients is a takeout menu. Caught up in the surprise of Lauren's suggestion, she had let herself think that it was a great idea. Dinner would be good, post-dinner sex would be better and lead, easily, naturally and not at all obviously into talking about them and their situation. That was the daydream, anyway. She knows it's more complicated than that but had hoped Lauren would make it as painless as possible. Unlikely, sure, but somehow she'd let the idea grow until she was making grocery lists during meetings. 

The sex is great. More than great, it's hot and loud and probably (definitely) the best sex she's ever had. But sex is sex and it's been 8 months and 'just sex' turned into long nights, then infrequent sleepovers then frantic making out in their offices between lunch. They'd gone from cursory office conversation all those years ago to trading patient stories then life stories then secrets over coffee dates. What was supposed to be a convenient lay (same-ish work schedule, emotionally unavailable partner, too busy for commitment) had turned. Good friendship became something more and somewhere between sex and coffee, Helen had learned more about Lauren than she'd ever told her in over 2 years of friendship. She knows her quirks, allergies, that Lauren's always wanted a Dalmatian, and that she secretly loves puns. More things, bigger things that will be hard, if she has to, to forget. Like how Lauren turns red from her chest up to her neck when she comes, or that when she kisses Helen twice in a row in the mornings she's having a complicated case.

It was easy sex. For a few months. It's more than that now. They both know it but a silent acknowledgement doesn't mean shit. Someone has to say something and between the two of them, it has to be Helen. It's certainly not going to be Lauren with all her defensiveness and careful evasion.

She was booked and busy; she hadn't been looking. Certainly not at work and definitely not at Lauren Bloom. A relationship just wasn't on her mind. It had happened anyway, slowly, at first and when she realized what was going on she hadn't talked herself out of it. That was her fault. 

Helen had expected pushback. Lauren is serious and distant and sometimes abrasive but she's also tender and compassionate and ridiculously silly. All hidden under a thick layer of bravado. She's been gently romancing a cocky ER doctor, one allergic to the full spectrum of human emotions with a huge tendency to shut down when shit gets difficult but she knew all that. 'All that' is part of why Helen wants her. She's attracted to difficult, nothing new. Some people chain smoke she, goes after people who make dating them more trouble than it's worth.

Only now she feels played and stupid. She has made a whole meal (complete with a dessert that's quickly melting) for someone who definitely isn't ready to go all-in for this, whatever 'this' would have been. She fears she's made everything out to be more than it is. Lauren might have been the one to suggest the date but that was in one moment of uncharacteristic openness, brought on by a late night, and a shared bottle of wine.

Usually, she knows better, lets Lauren brush her off, joins her even, in pretending that what they have is purely physical. Usually.

Somehow she's spent hours making dinner and planning a night for someone who couldn't be bothered to spend the 3 minutes it would have taken to come up with an excuse to bail on a date. It's been 2 hours now, according to the clock on the oven. Way past pathetic, especially for her and she doesn't let herself think of why she has waited this long, hoping.

She gets up to pack up dinner but she's lost her appetite. She considers chucking it all out but only for a second. Instead, she piles rice and chicken into worn-out Tupperware, tosses the dishes into the sink and turns out the lights.

She gets into bed, tosses and turns, tries to ignore the knot in her stomach. She's hurt and feels stupid for even feeling hurt. Lauren didn't show up and she can't help wonder what this means for them, now. 

\--


	2. These things take forever, I especially am slow

The street is empty, save for two cars double parked on the road.

The moon is the brightest light for blocks compensating for the streetlights, automatically dimmed at night in some well-intentioned but inconvenient eco-friendly move by the city. Lauren can barely see her hands in front of her. She opens the small gate, takes the stairs two at a time and lands resolutely behind Sharpe's front door. She knocks and tries not to flinch as it echoes.

Sharpe's porch light flicks on, the motion sensor finally activating and dousing the entire front of the apartment in harsh orange light. There's still a small chip on the side from when Lauren had collided with it that night all those weeks ago.

It had been a long day; everyone and their mother seemed to have found their way into her ER and nurses, patients, parents, everyone was all over it. They had ended work within 30 minutes of each other and it was last minute but they'd come back to Sharpe's together, making idle conversation in the uber. Once out of the car, Lauren had bracketed Sharpe against the door, kissed her messily, desperately. Sharpe had melted against her, threaded her hands in her hair and sighed in this wonderfully delicious way that had made Lauren ache with want. They had been in a rush to get inside, after 4 days of being too busy to meet up for more than a quick moment between patients and paperwork.

It was maddening, Lauren had thought as she pressed her body more firmly into Helen's, how much she'd missed her. Sex aside, there were other things, things she hadn't even known she had gotten used to until they were apart. Even silly things like jokes she knew Shape would pretend not to find funny but smile at when she thought she wasn't looking. There had been this strange feeling when they were finally alone, like something she didn't even know was missing had been put back. The realization made her jerk back, slam her head painfully into the side of the door, cracking a small piece off of Sharpe's thankfully tiny porchlight. Sharpe had immediately tried to doctor her but backed off with minimum grumbling about headaches and concussions. Sex had been intense and after Sharpe had gazed at her with this look Lauren couldn't place. That had been the first night she'd slept over twice in a row and neither of them mentioned it.

Lauren knocks again and after a minute, a light on the second floor turns on. She digs her nails into her palms, suddenly feeling sweaty and warm. The door opens and almost too quickly, Sharpe is there. Her shirt barely brushes her thighs and her face is still soft from sleep and Lauren can see her glasses slipping down her face, but stops herself from reaching out to push them up because she's not sure she's allowed to, anymore.

For a moment they're just staring at each other and it feels like before.

An apology is definitely the next step here only Lauren's not sure how to say, _'sorry for bailing I was having a moment but it's all good now, please let me in I'm freezing'_ without coming off all flippant and shitty.

Lauren has never needed anyone to tell her how to be brave but her mouth is dry and her cheeks are warm and maybe this is what it feels like to need reassurance; just a little bit. There is a woman in front of her with beautiful eyes and gentle hands who is always kinder than she needs to be and Lauren has called out for her in the dark, has thought about life with her more than she would ever care to admit. And maybe they never named it, this thing between them but she knows what it is. Has known since the day Helen pressed a kiss to her cheek in an elevator before her shift, leaving coffee and the smell of peaches in her wake. It was just wonderful and easy to let Sharpe lead, let things fall in place and pretend nothing had changed. Only now she's overreacted or underreacted and fucked it up.

She's so unqualified for this and her face feels too hot and she thinks, guiltily about walking away and forgetting this entire thing. She shuts down that thought because it's unnecessary and she is making this a bigger thing than it needs to be.

She takes a deep breath and says, "I'm really sorry." because she's decided to go with honesty.

Sharpe shivers a little, says, "I'm going to need more words." She sounds tired and she's not looking Lauren in the eye but she hasn't told her to leave so she goes on.

"Right, yeah. Of course. Uh, what we had— have. What we have is amazing but it's so different than how we started out and I should have talked to you about that I get that but. I need time to adjust. Obviously." Sharpe just blinks at her.

"As much as I want to do this," Lauren gestures between the two of them, "it's so new to me, all of it and I'm flailing. That's not an excuse. It's just... the truth." It's not even close to coherent and there is so much she's leaving out but Sharpe's face softens and she lets go of the door handle, lets it swing behind her.

"Why wouldn't you just tell me that though?" Sharpe sighs.

"I didn't even know to actually uh, say it? Until a few minutes ago. Me and communication you know?" She says this with a small smile, and Sharpe doesn't smile back but she gestures for her to come in.

Her house is warm and smells familiar, cinnamon and peach and something else, something sweet and the knot in Lauren's chest loosens. In the light, everything feels safe, less intense. They sit on opposite sides of the couch, bodies turned towards each other but facing outwards into the living room.

Sharpe tugs the bottom of her shirt— an old marathon shirt, large and threadbare. It belongs to Lauren and it's doing a terrible job of covering her thighs. It does, however, give Lauren a weird sense of hope. They're on their way to being okay, maybe, because you don't wear someone's old shirts to bed if you hate them. She could have grabbed it without noticing but that's not as nice thought so Lauren banishes it.

Sharpe's watching her from the corner of her eye all wide-eyed and careful like she thinks Lauren will just up and bolt. It makes sense, everything considered but still makes her feel like crap. 

"I want this," Lauren says, firmly. She wants Sharpe to know she's serious and sure because she is. 

"...Lauren."

"Just. I know skipping out on dinner was an asshole move okay? And... " Sharpe is focused on her so intently it makes her itch a little.

Helen's always had this way of looking at Lauren like she can see her right down to her bones, deftly bypassing all the crap Lauren throws at her. Right from the beginning, she nudged her way into her life, and when Lauren noticed she didn't hate it because it didn't feel like an intrusion it just felt natural. Like she was always there.

Lauren looks away first, focuses on the rip in her jeans, yanks at the frayed edges. She can feel a headache coming on, all 36 hours she's been awake hitting her at once. She's running on fumes and she wants to skip to the end. She doesn't say that because it's not an explanation and they need to have an actual conversation but getting the words out is harder than she thought it would be.

Sharpe exhales, looks at Lauren expectantly. She's biting the inside of her cheek, something like shyness colouring her face. It pulls Lauren out of her head.

"My not showing up earlier? It wasn't about you. I mean yeah, it was about us but mostly it was me being scared," she's talking too fast but she has to because she is being very honest, on purpose and she hasn't done that in a while.

"This is the opposite of what we said we were going to do and I'm so fucking bad at this shit clearly," Lauren takes a breath and goes on, "you have been so patient, you always are even when I make it um, hard and I know I messed up but it's because I realized we were already in this but talking about it makes it real. Makes us real."

Her voice cracks at the end which is unnecessary and makes her feel small but then Sharpe crawls on her knees until she's right next to her, slides a leg over her lap and settles down like they're not in the middle of A Very Important Talk.

Lauren's hands come to rest on her waist because she's _right_ there. Sharpe wraps her hands around her neck, glances at her then leans in and kisses her, just a quick press of the lips before pulling back.

"I know who you are, Lauren. I'm not..." she bites her lip and tilts her head, "I'm not trying to change you. That's not what this is, okay?"

Lauren nods, slightly dazed and not wanting to say the wrong thing and mess this up somehow.

"I don't expect us to just fall into this perfectly. But if we're doing this, Lauren you have to talk to me, give me some idea of what you're thinking because I can't go into this totally blind."

She nudges her head against Lauren's neck, traces the edge of her sweater with cold fingers. 

"I don't want to push you but I also can't be the only one trying to move us along or participating because then it feels like you don't want this."

The 'like tonight' is implied and Lauren pulls her closer, tries to will away the uncertainty in her voice with the contact.

"I do though, and I know we'll probably have a long talk tomorrow. But I'm going to be better at it, letting you know." She says this into Sharpe's neck, feeling a little embarrassed because she's still her and it's a lot. Sharpe doesn't make her look up at her just kisses her cheek.

"Full disclosure though, I'm probably going to fuck up. Only a little though. I'm killing it at this communication thing. Obviously," she says archly smirking at Sharpe's laugh. It's a good laugh, and relief floods Lauren's veins.

"Going to?" she can still hear the laugh in Sharpe's voice, rolls her eyes good-naturedly.

"I deserve that. And I'm sorry about dinner, really."

Sharpe mumbles something into her neck but she can't make out what it is. She asks her to repeat it but she only smiles and stands up, holds out her hand to Lauren and pulls her up.

"You've thought about this a lot," Helen whispers tiredly into Lauren's chest. 

"So much," she says all fake serious but she means it and she knows Sharpe catches that.

Sharpe grins but it's interrupted by a yawn which makes Lauren laugh.

"Okay, no more processing. I should let you sleep I've already kept you up and—" She means to leave now, let everything settle between them but Sharpe wraps a hand around her wrist, pulls her after her into the bedroom and she goes, easily.

She changes, borrows sleep shorts and a tank top, and climbs into the bed, leaving a respectable distance between them.

She had thought it might feel awkward and it is, for a second, but then Helen sidles up to her, rubs cold feet against her legs and giggles when she complains and all at once everything feels normal again. They adjust a bit, get comfortable. Lauren pulls Helen close and lays a hand over her hip, careful and calm.

Helen sighs, mumbles, "You're definitely having chicken for breakfast, by the way," then promptly falls asleep.

The moon looks huge from the sliver Lauren can see from the window and she falls asleep by its light.


	3. 9 — 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> why write an essay when you can write 4k words of hospital drama? #schoolwhatschool

The door slams and suddenly Max is in Helen's office, buzzing with energy. He sighs loudly, lowers himself onto the couch and throws what can only be called a sulk Helen's way.

"So," he says settling into the couch, "that went shittily." He puts his feet up then changes his mind and sits upright instead.

"Shittily?" Helen asks, quickly saving her email. 

Max sighs. "It's a word. It means beyond bad. Like: the meeting ended shittily, and yes, I considered walking out."

"The board meeting." Helen makes a face. "It was today wasn't it?"

"That's the one." Max sighs again, dramatic and loud. "Nice having you there by the way."

He says this with a grin so she knows he's not actually upset but she feels bad anyway. They had a plan, Max was going to present his proposals and she would back him. They had practiced, even come up with lines and everything. Helen never misses meetings and while she wasn't explicitly summoned to this one, Max had asked her to show up. She can't believe she forgot.

Helen says, "sorry," and slides her green juice, the one Max loves to pretend to hate, across the table to him in an act of further peacemaking.

He pretends to consider it for all of 5 seconds before grabbing it.

"This is ... potent. They add wheatgrass today?" Max takes another sip. "You're not off the hook, by the way. Delicious smoothies don't erase the kind of morning I've had. "

"Oh god, it was that bad?" Helen sighs. She eyes her drink longingly but it's a lost cause. It's Max's drink now.

"Well, it sure wasn't how I wanted to start my morning. I mean I'm not saying 'pain and suffering' but I'm also not, _not_ saying that." 

"Oh wow."

"I mean Meyers, he walks in no-- bursts in, late as usual, ready to shoot down all my proposals and Ackney he's sitting there like he has no power! Just letting this crap happen. I mean..." he finishes the last of the smoothie and sighs.

"That sounds painful. And horrible, and I'm sorry I missed it, really." Helen fiddles with her pen, "my patient meeting went over and then I got caught up in a consult." She knows she sounds sincere and she is, but her patient meeting had only gone a few minutes over and she hadn't exactly had a consult.

She had bumped into Lauren on her way back from psych and 'hello,' had turned into a "quick kiss hello" which had turned into a 'real kiss hello' and then Helen was pressed up in the corner of the on-call room steadily recounting all the reasons she vowed never to have sex at work. Again. 

Reasons she'd had a hard time recalling because Lauren had untucked her shirt, used warm hands to pull them flush against each other and kissed her behind her ear. Which was cheating because she knew how weak Helen was for that. She let her indignation propel her away from the door and Lauren, and eventually out of the room.

"Huh," Max says, pulling her back to the present. "I'm not seeing the hilarity in this."

She hadn't even been aware that she was smiling. She's been doing a lot of that lately.

She's about to apologize again, make it 3 for 3 but then Max's face does the thing it does when he thinks he's figured something out and she sighs because she's been found out.

She tries to deflect anyway says, "this meeting sounds beyond horrific. I want to hear more."

"Ha. I mean we were supposed to kick ass? Yes, but instead you left me with Iggy and Kapoor and we ended up looking like the Doom Patrol."

"I keep telling you, your nerd references are lost on me."

"Sure they are," Max teases. 

He is full-on grinning now and she can tell they're going to have another variation of the conversation she's been skillfully avoiding for weeks.

"The meeting," she tries at the same time Max says "late-night huh?"

She reacts, eyes widening before she can help it and he smirks. "Knew it. "

"You know nothing!" she exclaims which, she knows by the self-satisfied grin on his face, only helps his case.

"Look, you don't have to say anything. I mean you basically just gave yourself away but hey, you're entitled to your secrets." Max begins.

"There is no--"

Max just fixes her with A Look.

They have a 5-second staring competition and Helen has never wished harder for a page.

It's not that she doesn't want to tell Max about Lauren. It's that she and Lauren haven't discussed this part yet. The 'tell one of my best friends who also happens to be both our bosses' part.

In the 5 weeks since they decided to give them a go everything has been so good. 

She's smitten. She shouldn't be in this deep, not yet but they've been circling each other for eight months and doing something like dating for the past three. So maybe they only cemented it in the last few weeks and she knows it's because they've just started but it doesn't feel that way, it feels exciting and fascinating and she is acting so _young_ but she can't bring herself to care. 

There have been dates, actual dates in nice restaurants that more than often end with Lauren staying over. And even though Lauren leaves little piles of clutter everywhere, Helen doesn't mind. As busy as they both are, it works. 

All that considered she isn't ready to let everyone know yet. Not even Max.

It's amazing she's managed to keep it from him this long. Years of friendship has made them so in sync, he knew immediately that she was seeing someone. He'd given her time to tell him on her own, then tried to pull it out of her with all the subtlety of a hammer. Her being tightlipped had only made him more curious and dinners with him and Georgia were like spitfire rounds of a game show, both trying to guess who 'Mystery Person' was.

She wants to tell him, wants to tell everyone because it feels that good but she doesn't. Max is her friend, yes, but he's also her boss and a part of her knows that telling him adds another layer to it all. She gets why Lauren doesn't want to deal with yet. 

"Maybe," Max starts, "there's someone. Maybe there's not. But there is. There definitely is. Georgia thinks I should let it go but that's not how we do things. I push. I'm a pusher, it's part of my charm."

Helen rolls her eyes but fondly, because he's kind of right.

"But. I'm going to let you breathe on this one because you've been really happy and I get wanting to keep that to yourself for a bit." Max admits, earnest as ever.

It only makes her want to break, tell him everything but she just nods.

"If," she allows, "there was someone, notsayingthereis.... you might be closer to finding out than you think."

Max raises his eyebrows, "oh?"

"Yeah. In about a year."

He groans at her teasing, shakes the now empty cup at her.

"You're the worst."

Helen chuckles, takes the bottle from him and tosses it in her mini recycling bin.

"Although... If you're going to be all giddy like this for a year, I might be able to live with it." Max says cheekily.

Helen blinks. She is _not_ giddy. Maybe she's been agreeable, anyone would be, it's the normal human thing, to be more... excited at the beginning of a relationship. Certainly not giddy though. Not at all. 

Max's face says differently.

"Oh, you're giddy. You're all types of giddy in fact I can name the types."

"No." Helen grumbles and Max laughs.

"Okay. Okay, I'm done. You owe me though. We're doing lunch. And not at that vegan place. They're expensive and they add cilantro to everything which is just bizarre. No, we're going to a chain."

Helen mocks shudders and Max is the one to roll his eyes this time. 

"For letting me go through that meeting alone, I should make you eat hospital food."

"Max please, I already apologized." Helen jokes.

"I mean it really was hell," he pouts. Totally affected and Helen smirks at his attempt at sadface and sits back in her chair.

"Okay, tell me all about it."

Max lights up, props a foot on her desk drawer and says, "well" with all the flair of a reporter.

"Don't leave anything out. Also, did Ackers finally let go of his toupee or is that a rumor?"

"God that toupee. I almost forgot! So..."

* * *

The woman she's treating has an extremely dedicated husband and at any other time it would be charming but right now he's just annoying the shit out of Lauren. He's been hovering and googling and asking so many questions, convinced the hospital and Lauren herself are personally out to harm his wife. She gets it, lots of people don't trust doctors (with good reason, not all hospitals and doctors care about patients the way they should) and usually, she would be making more of an effort but it's been over an hour. She's seen 3 other people, taken a marble out of a kid's nose (because it's that kind of day) and he still refuses to let her do her job. 

"Please, page Neuro," Laren mutters tossing the file onto her desk. Casey nods towards the couple, leaning on the ledge of her station.

"They too much for you?" He asks, laughing at her murderous expression. "What you don't appreciate old love?"

"Old love is fine. It's the old questions I hate."

"Ah, Doctor Bloom, charming as ever," Casey declares.

An intern walks by and smirks and Lauren shoots him a glare. 

It's not that she doesn't value patient-doctor relationships. She does. But it's been one thing after the other today and sometimes patients can be a lot.

"You gotta admit, they're cute as hell. I mean monogamy is a scam but if someone loved me like that, I might consider it," Casey says, watching the wife get wheeled out, husband following not far behind. 

"Monogamy isn't all that bad," Lauren thinks. She doesn't catch that she's said it out loud until Casey widens his eyes, grabs his chest pretends to fall.

Lauren rolls her eyes. "Oh, whatever,"

"Since when are you a champion for monogamy?"

She shrugs, "I just think it can work under the right circumstances is all."

"Right circumst...." He snorts, "Dr. Shape put a sex hex on you for real."

"Dr. Sharpe is not the topic of conversation here," Lauren hisses tugging him inside the small station. He plops down into a seat and they both wheel their chairs to the back, away from nurses with prying eyes and patients with big ears.

"Also," she says pointing at him with her pen, "that is inappropriate."

But not incorrect, she thinks.

"Anymore inappropriate than my seeing you two in her office that night at the Gala?" he says raising his eyebrows.

Lauren doesn't answer choosing instead to kick him (lightly) in the shins. He rolls away before her foot can properly connect and laughs.

It had been a total fluke, him seeing her and Helen kiss in her office, just before they'd closed the blinds. He'd been leaving for the night, had decided to take a different route and had gotten a free show too. 

It was the night of the gala and Lauren had been avoiding a particularly talkative board member that had latched onto her. Seeking refuge at a table in the back meant being closer to the drinks. She was bored and had ended up a lot drunker than she'd intended. Reynolds and Evie had long since bailed and she was about to follow suit when Helen had shown up.

She had looked gorgeous. Her gown was dark blue, clinched at the hips with a killer slit on the side. It fit perfectly and Lauren had done a terrible job of not staring. She had watched her flit around the gala, eventually teaming up with Georgia and two other doctors, pulling donations from investors until they had raised more than the set goal for the night. 

She had been on her way out when Helen had finally gotten a free moment and stopped to say hi. The conversation was light, she was drunk and so was Helen, though she hid it well. She doesn't remember everything but she remembers making Helen laugh. A lot. It was a nice laugh, her drunken mind had likened it to windchimes and she wanted to hear more of it.

A waiter had bumped into her then, spilling red wine on her dress. Sharpe had insisted on helping and ushered her into her office rather than the bathroom. She claimed to have club soda and a stain stick that could work on anything.

It hadn't really worked but the absurdity of the situation had resulted in a mess of limbs and giggles. The door was closed, the lights were dim and the couch felt like a cloud, is what Lauren remembers thinking. Sharpe had leaned in to dab at the mess one last time and Lauren had stopped her, ran a cool hand down her cheek and then immediately felt foolish for doing so. She hadn't needed to because Sharpe had leaned in, waited for Lauren to close the space and then kissed her. A gentle kiss turned messy by their mutual drunkenness.

Nips and bites had turned into groping and then Lauren had somehow gotten them from the couch and to the desk. It was quick and rough and hot and then, laying halfway on the table with her dress bunched up around her thighs and Sharpe's head between her legs, she noticed the lamp they broke, scattered across the carpet.

It had been worth it. It still is.

Casey doesn't need to know all that though. He already knows they're a thing. After all, he the one that talked her down the evening she almost ruined everything. 

He's her favourite nurse even if that's wrong to think. It's not like everyone doesn't know. Years of working together has seen them through enough and he can tell, with a look the kind of day she's having and proceed accordingly.

Long shifts, finicky patients and interns who can't tell a syringe from a scalpel means they have had to rely on each other more than a lot. They have been thrown together and late nights and after-work drinks made them fast friends. Other than Evie, he's one of the first people she really got close to at the hospital and definitely the first person she goes to with hospital drama.

And there is drama. Lauren knows everyone thinks she runs her ED too tightly but she has to. One moment to breathe and the interns and nurses get comfortable and it turns into some primetime soap. She is not having that.

Just another reason she wants to keep this thing with Sharpe quiet. They've been together for just under 2 months and they are great. Better than great. Everything's going so well mainly because no one has their noses in their business. 

She wants to keep them a secret for a while longer, avoid unsolicited judgments and advice and everything else that comes with dating someone at work. Not that she would know. Dr. Lattimer from pathology was a fluke and they didn't date so much as sleep together a few times and then never discuss it.

Just how she liked it. Until Helen at least.

"Man. You really like her," Casey says. He's studying her a little too seriously for her liking.

"Well, that's why people date. They like each other," Lauren whispers sarcastically. 

"Nah it's not that, it's..." Casey gives her a strange look, squints. "You're nice. Weirdly nice. I mean the interns aren't even that scared of you anymore."

"You take that back!" Lauren demands pointing her pen at him. Intern fear fuels her and if she can't have that then what is she even doing?

And it's not even true. She isn't nicer. She's just been more polite as of late. Cordial.

"It's true! And you go kinda soft when you see her. Yesterday when she came in for a consult? You were all, 'yes Dr. Sharpe, okay, Dr. Sharpe'. It's kinda cute." He laughs, immediately rolling away before she can attack his knees again.

Lauren just folds her hands and sends him her most withering look. He doesn't melt. Unfortunately. 

"Yeah, you're one to talk. Don't think I haven't seen you ogling that paramedic."

Casey blushes then stands up so fast the chair spins out behind him. "Think I hear a patient calling for help..."

Lauren pulls him back down. "Nope. You're not getting out of this. What's his name again? Sean something?"

"Spencer," Casey says and then honest to god sighs. Lauren rolls her eyes. At least she's not all the way gone like him. Poor guy.

"And how many times have you seen him?"

"Just three," Casey says, uncharacteristically shy. "We're taking it slow."

"Sounds pretty monogamous to me."

Casey shakes his head. "Nope. No way, we're casual, easy. "

"And are you casually seeing anyone else?"

His eyes widen and he twitches like she's just introduced him to fire for the first time ever.

"Shit."

"Monogamous," Lauren sings gleefully just as her pager goes off. She gets up to attend to her patient, mouthing 'couple' at Casey as she goes.

"Monogamish," he yells after her.

She just smiles to herself.

Ridiculous.

—

"Please tell me this isn't what I think it is?" Helen says.

Dr. Valentina Castro shrugs defensively and pulls the file closer to herself. "If you think it's Maria Barrero's file, then yes."

Helen takes a seat, gestures for Dr. Castro to do the same.

"I already told you, Valentina, she doesn't want this."

"That's because she doesn't know all her options! With precision-target therapy, she wouldn't have to suffer!" Valentina is all wild hands tapping at the corner of the table with her pen.

Helen lays what she intends to be a calming hand on her knee, and hopes she doesn't sound condescending.

"Valentina, she already made her decision. We can't change that."

"I know, but once she hears about th-"

"She already knows. We talked this morning."

"Without me?" Valentina frowns.

Helen hadn't wanted to but Maria insisted. She hadn't exactly mentioned why she requested a private meeting but it wasn't hard to guess. Valentina Castro is an excellent doctor but sometimes, her professional ambition surpasses her patient relations and they can usually tell.

"So, she knows all this and still doesn't want to do anything?"

Helen sighs. "Yes. Look, Valentina, she has had cancer since she was 15. She's 23 now and she wants to just live the rest of her life on her own terms. Her words. Right now we just have to support her."

Valentina rolls her eyes but doesn't say anything. Helen understands. It's always hard when a patient doesn't want to continue treatment but as doctors, their job is to present options and support whatever decision is made going forward. They can't force patients into doing what they think is best and they can't push treatment or anything else on their patients. It's easy to know this, easier still to say out loud. Believing that is another story.

"I just don't get it. She has options now, she would basically be cured."

"Alright. Can you say for certain that her cancer will never return? That she won't react negatively to the treatment?"

"No. But I mean look at Max! Look at what we did with him. That's the goal here! Everyone wants in on this, and she's the perfect candidate I just don't get why she wouldn't want to take advantage!"

Helen puts a hand up to her temple, lets out a long breath and moves to sit next to Valentina.

"This is what she wants."

"I get that," Valentina says quietly. "I do, it's just difficult. I can help her so easily if she would let me and I just have to let it go."

"I know. But we have to respect her choice."

Valentina lets out a long sigh, leans back into the couch and huffs out a "fine."

Helen sighs. "Valentina, you're doing phenomenal work and you need to remember that. Max is alive because of you and so are a lot of other patients. You can't let this get in your head."

Valentina is silent.

"I should go," is all she says before she standing up and heading for the door. "I have patients. Wouldn't want to be late."

It's an obvious lie but Helen lets it go.

"Alright. I'll see you tomorrow then?"

"Sure."

Helen gives her a small smile as she leaves. 

Valentina isn't a bad doctor. It's quite the opposite. She's brilliant and focused, just sometimes on the wrong thing. Helen would never stifle another doctor, and she knows, as a woman of colour how most of the time, working twice as hard gets you not even half as far. She understands ambition. Her entire career has been an example of that.

From undergrad to med school to present day, she has been steady, ambitious and ruthless. Helen Sharpe always made sure to study and work harder than anyone else. She knew more than anyone and was always available. Back then it meant doing whatever it took, even if it meant losing some friends along the way. She was and still is, beyond driven.

Over the years she has learned when to exhibit that drive and when to let things go. It hasn't been an easy road. She sees herself in Dr. Castro. A colder version of herself, but herself nonetheless. It's both heartening and tiring.

She files these thoughts under 'things to tackle tomorrow' and pulls out the budget reports she has been neglecting.

Two hours later and she's still at it. The budget is a joke and trying to organize it has taken her straight through lunch. She pulls out her emergency granola from her pocket but it's smushed and dry and every bite makes her gag. She tosses it and is packing up when someone bursts into her office.

The shoes indicate Max.

"Guess what?"

"You brought me lunch?" Helen askes hopefully.

"Uh, no. But it's stopped raining." Max's smile means he wants her to indulge him but Helen is starving and tired.

She gives him a blank stare which obviously isn't the reaction Max is looking for because he prods her shoulder meaningfully. 

"It's been raining all week, it just let up and I got the go ahead for an extension on the prison daycare. We should celebrate!"

"It's April. It'll be raining again by tomorrow," she sounds brisk even to her own ears but she can't help it. She's slept for less than 3 hours and has been going back and forth with Dr. Castro all week. Her usual tolerance for Max's antics is running low and as much as she wants to indulge him, she can't even muster up a smile.

"Wow, okay, you've just proved my point."

"Which is?"

"We're going out. We need this. Last time we went out was months ago. You can even invite your special friend."

She makes a face at special friend and Max laughs. She's exhausted and her plans after work were basically to soak in her tub until she pruned up, with a glass of wine and trash TV to accompany her, maybe invite Lauren over. She hasn't decided yet.

"C'mon! I already invited Iggy and Reynolds. Evie's coming too so just say you'll come! Bloom was a solid maybe but that's basically a yes from her."

At the mention of Lauren, Helen reconsiders. "Okay, fine. But only for a few hours. I really am exhausted."

"Great!" Max gives her a thumbs up then shuffles excitedly out of her office.

It's going to be a long night. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> to clear up any confusion: in this universe max has been cured for @ least a year, georgia is very alive,(no accident for anyone) luna is too, reynolds and evie are a thing, have been for a bit and iggy+kapoor r the same. think that's it! used some show stuff just re-arranged it a little


	4. sunset

You know," Lauren says, "we could leave right now. Be out of here and halfway to your place in like, 20 minutes tops."

Helen considers this but shakes her head. "I know, but we're already here and I promised Max."

They're the first ones at the bar. Casey's chronically late and Max's sitter was delayed so he and Georgia are late by default. Lauren probably wouldn't have been on time either but Helen is weirdly punctual, always early to everything and they left together so, she's early too. None of the others have arrived though, and she says as much.

"We'll stay for a few hours tops."

Lauren snorts. "It's never a few hours with this crew."

"Alright, when you're over it just tell me and we'll go home."

Lauren stills, but recovers fast before Helen notices. She knows Helen means her place and it makes sense, it's the closest and they usually head there anyway, but something about it reminds her how real it all is. A small part of her wonders if this is all too fast and some other faraway part of her mind still worries she's going to fuck it up somehow. She knows it's irrational. Helen is very much into her, obviously. She still can't help but worry sometimes, though.

"Fine. But if they break out the karaoke I'm done. "

Helen laughs, catches her hand and walks her backwards towards the awning. She takes a quick look around then wraps her hands around Lauren's neck and leans up to brush their lips together. Lauren threads her fingers through Helen's belt loops, draws her close, and ducks down to properly kiss her. 

She gets lost in the feel of Helen, soft and warm and they get slightly carried away. The awning is partially covering them but they're all but making out, not quite in the full view of anyone but it's still a little risky considering half their peers could show up at any time but the thought barely registers. 

Lauren backs Helen up against the wall, slides a knee between her legs and is seriously considering leaving when she hears someone cough. They ignore it.

The person coughs again. Loudly.

They pull away from each other and turn to the source of the sound to see Georgia watching them with raised eyebrows and amusement in her eyes.

Lauren's hands are still around Helen's waist. Helen, whose lips are kiss swollen and covered in slightly smudged lipstick. Lauren wipes at her own mouth and her hand comes away with brown lipstick. She isn't sure how to react but Helen doesn't seem bothered so she decides she isn't either.

"Hello," Helen says. She gives Georgia a strange two-fingered salute and it's so silly it makes them all laugh and the slight uneasiness in Lauren's chest melts away. 

She isn't all that close with Georgia. Max has worked at the hospital for about the same time as Helen and while she's pretty good friends with him, she's not as close as him and Helen. She's friendly with Georgia but she's seen her mostly in passing. 

"Hey," Lauren says for lack of anything else to say.

Georgia gives her a warm smile. "So," She says with a nod, "you're the mystery person. Woman."

"Mystery person?" Lauren turns to Helen with her eyebrows raised.

Helen takes out a wet wipe (which she hands to Lauren) and a compact from her tiny purse and rolls her eyes as she fixes her lipstick. "It's what she and Max called you. Well not _you_, you but yeah."

Georgia grins, "I just wanna say, I knew it was a woman. You always—"

"Okay! We are going inside now!" Helen declares quickly pulling Lauren in after her. Lauren laughs along with Georgia as they enter the bar.

"Max is here, by the way. He just got into a really intense conversation with the lyft driver over a boil and they're having some sort of debate." Georgia says with a shudder.

"That's just Max every day at work," Lauren jokes.

Georgia laughs. "I'll get the first round," she offers, walking ahead.

Helen holds back, turns to Lauren with a question in her eyes. "Is it okay? Her knowing I mean."

Lauren shrugs. "Yeah. I mean it was bound to come out anyway. So I guess, I'm good if you are."

Helen kisses her and she gets her answer. 

* * *

Max and Reynolds are playing pool with some guys Lauren doesn't recognize, probably regulars. They had recruited Sharpe earlier but she stopped playing a few minutes ago.

The bar is crowded and getting across the floor is proving harder than Lauren anticipated.

She's been trying to get to the back with drinks and some bottles have considerably less beer in them than when she started out but it couldn't be helped. She's been bumped into so many times she's stopped keeping track.

When she gets to the table, everyone thanks her and grabs a beer. Evie and Claudia, the nurse Casey invited along with his paramedic are hashing out rules of the game. Said paramedic is currently engaged in a lively conversation with Helen, Georgia and Iggy at the bar.

"So, we playing for cash or what?" Casey asks holding out the darts to her.

"Duh."

Kapoor frowns. "I thought this was a friendly game."

"It is. But some of us still have student loans to pay so loser pays up!" Casey says to him.

They all laugh and Kapoor narrows his eyes. He rarely comes out, always citing tiredness as an excuse. This is the first time in a while he's stayed out this late.

"I think you'll find that I'm better than I look," he says. "I'll start. "

He picks up the darts, begins the game and to everyone's surprise gets a near-perfect score. Casey is next and he's close but not quite. Evie plays like she's trying to lose on purpose and Lauren claims second place. Claudia doesn't play, opting to score keep instead.

The game goes on for a while until it's obvious Kapoor is the winner and Lauren gets bored. She looks over at the bar, eyeing Helen, who sips her drink and laughs at something Iggy says.

Evie nudges Lauren's arm, nods towards the bar. "How's that going by the way? You didn't call me back last night."

"We're good," she says lowering her voice.

Evie beams at her. "That's great, Lauren. You know a part of me can't still can't believe you're finally settled down."

Lauren scoffs. "I haven't settled down."

"Sure," Evie says sarcastically, smirking when Lauren flips her the bird.

"I haven't. And we're not that serious," Lauren says feeling the need to make it seem casual all of a sudden. Evie gives her an exasperated look.

"It's been literal months Lauren, whatever this is right now, stop." Evie hands her a drink. "Relax."

Lauren doesn't say anything but she knows Evie's right. She's just been in her own head, especially today. She steals a glance at Helen who is telling a story, gesturing wildly with her hands.

"Georgia knows," Lauren says taking another sip of her drink.

"So that's why you're being all cagey," Evie says and Lauren snorts mockingly but she's not wrong. "Is that... good or are we freaking out some more?"

"Eh. It was time. I mean, I'm not going to declare it or anything but I'm not hiding anymore."

"So settled," Evie says smiling widely. This time Lauren just rolls her eyes at her.

Evie points at the bar and speaks up. "I'm gonna get more drinks, anyone in?"

Lauren nods and stands up.

Casey groans. "But I was just about to kick his ass."

Everyone laughs because it's a total lie. He's lucky Kapoor won't actually take his money.

They ladies get up, leave Kapoor and Casey to figure out their game. 

Helen grins and leans into her a little. Georgia smiles at them but no one else seems to catch it.

"Did you," Helen says, speaking a little slowly, "know that their rooftop is open now?"

"I did not know that," Lauren replies, trying not to smile.

"We should all go up," Iggy exclaims, "get some fresh air." 

Evie winks at Lauren then says, "actually Iggy, I have a question for you. About psychology... stuff."

Iggy sits back down, clasps his hands together eagerly. "Of course, I'm always down to help."

Lauren sends a silent thank you Evie's way and follows Helen toward the stairs. 

The rooftop is spacious and perfectly decorated with comfortable chairs and sturdy glass tables. The sun is setting, pinks and purples blending into each other and reflecting brightly over the city. The view is stunning and the weather is perfect. Lauren stands behind Helen, places a hand on each side of the railing and leans her head on her shoulder.

Helen twists in her arms to catch her eye. 

"Glad you came out?" she says quietly.

"Hm. Maybe. "

Helen just smiles and turns back to watch the sunset.

-

They're sitting on the couch watching the sun fade into the horizon. She's holding Helen's hand and the atmosphere is peaceful and calm. If she squints she can almost pretend their co-workers aren't directly downstairs.

"This reminds me of being a kid," Lauren says unprompted, surprising herself.

Helen lifts her head from her shoulder to look at her. "It does?" She looks just as surprised as Lauren feels at the share.

Lauren takes a moment to answer. She isn't exactly sure where that came from but somehow this particular sunset has all kinds of memories floating back up. She remembers climbing out into the roof with her sister, pointing out the starts to her, correcting her pronunciation and laughing at the names they made-up for stars they didn't know. She hasn't thought of her sister in a while and the thought stirs something unfamiliar in her. She pushes the feeling away.

Helen turns towards her, squeezes her hand.

"How so?" she asks softly.

"Just... the sky."

She doesn't continue, just keeps looking out at the horizon.

"The garden in our first home," Helen begins, "it was tiny but that didn't matter to me. I would lay there for hours. Playing in the dirt, digging holes just making a huge mess of things. It drove my parents mad because after all that I would just lay on the ground and gaze at the sky for hours. I probably ruined my eyesight a little. But the sun, it was worth it."

"Same sky. No matter what, it's always there," Lauren whispers. She feels silly saying it out loud but Helen pulls back looks her in the eye.

"It is."

They sit silently for a while after that, watching the sky get dark. The lights at the side of the building turn on as it night falls.

"Tell me when you want to leave. We'll leave whenever you want," Helen murmurs with a yawn. She inches closer until she's halfway into Lauren's lap.

Lauren chuckles. "Of course."

She's about to suggest they go before Helen falls asleep right there, but a loud scraping sound distracts her.

They turn their heads to see Max holding onto the railing halfway down the stairs. He blinks at them sheepishly then shrugs.

"So... hi," Max says. "I didn't hear anything by the way."

"Oh god," Lauren says with a laugh. She's more relieved than anything. At least it's just Max and not some creep. "How long have you been standing there?"

"Just for a minute. I forgot anyone was up here then you were having a moment and I didn't want to make it awkward."

"Unlike right now?" Helen says with a smirk.

"Yep, exactly like this."

"So," Helen begins at the same time Max says "the whole time?"

"I'm right here!" Lauren says. "And yes Max, the whole time. It's always been me."

Helen glances at her when she says that, smiling softly. She's moved away a bit, and they're no longer holding hands. She isn't big on PDA and Helen knows that, doesn't mind. She stands up and walks closer to Max, giving Lauren a minute.

"So, I'm the first to figure it out huh," Max brags.

"You figured nothing out and also, no. Georgia, Casey, Evie and I'm pretty sure a couple of nurses know but don't quote me on that." Lauren says, joining them on the balcony.

Max's jaw drops. Just a little. "Oh, we're definitely talking about this."

Helen laughs. Then yawns. "Alright. But later. I think we're going head out?" She directs the last part at Lauren.

"We should," Lauren agrees.

"Yeah, go you've been dead on your feet since you got here. Thanks for coming out though."

Max goes back downstairs, yelling back something about karaoke and how they'll miss out. Lauren is secretly glad because she's tired and all she wants to do is take a shower and go to bed

Helen turns to Lauren, tugs on the lapel of her jacket. "So. Max knows." 

Lauren nods. In the few hours since they've been at the bar she's figured that other people and their opinions don't really mean anything. That might be the alcohol though but whatever. She's right. 

"He does."

"And?"

"Maybe it's time everyone does," Lauren says pointing downstairs.

Helen looks up at her, surprised but then smiles and kisses her, just a quick peck. "Okay."

Down in the bar, everyone's surrounding the makeshift stage watching Reynolds paw through the songbook. No one notices them until she takes Helen's hand as they say goodbye to everyone. Might as well let everyone know in one go.

Casey glances over, catches them holding hands and stares. Iggy turns around, widens his eyes and then looks away quickly. Always the gentleman. Kapoor and Claudia look up for a second then look away. All in all pretty anti-climactic, Lauren thinks.

They head out soon after. Helen falls asleep in the uber snuggled into her side, a warm reminder of what she has.


	5. sunrise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> morning after.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> cozy girlfriends!

Helen isn't quite sure why she's awake.

She has woken abruptly, jolted out of sleep by... something. Maybe a bad dream. It's already fading, but her heart is racing.

Silence, interrupted only by Lauren's light snores fills the room. Soft sunlight streams through the curtains and everything feels like a dream. This early, the world feels delicate; not quite real or alive. 

Lauren's face is slack with sleep, still and serene in a way it never is when she's awake. Laying like this with their legs entwined, bodies almost on top of each other feels... differently intimate. They don't usually sleep all tangled up together; Lauren moves a little and kicks a lot. Helen can count on both hands how many times she's woken up with a foot pressing lightly into her gut. Right now, Lauren is draped across her like a blanket, hand curled over her chest; casually protective. It's unintentional but makes Helen smile all the same. Being careful not to crush Lauren's hand, she turns and runs a hand through her hair, pressing a kiss behind her ear when she stirs. 

She waits for a beat to see if Lauren will wake up but she doesn't, just sighs and rolls over. She tries to make out what the clock on the far wall says but she can't really see anything. The lights are off and the sun isn't quite bright enough to light up the entire room yet.

Feeling around her nightstand she finds her phone and unplugs it from the charger. The brightness makes her wince, and memories from last night come flooding back.

Her head is pounding, more so now that she's actually waking up but according to her phone it's barely 3 am. She lowers the brightness, checks her messages and calendar. There are too many emails and tasks to cross off so she pretends they don't exist. Not yet. In a few hours, she'll wake up to real life but for now, she puts her phone back on the nightstand. 

She tries to pull the covers over herself but somehow, Lauren has made her way halfway down the bed and cocooned herself under the duvet. She does this sometimes, blanket stealer that she is. Helen pulls at the little she can reach and Lauren sighs, struggles for a bit then gives up and opens one eye. She looks rightly ruffled, hair halfway out of her normal bedtime bun. There's a faint impression of the duvet on her cheek and she looks so adorable Helen wants to pull her up for a kiss but settles for bopping her nose with a finger.

Lauren glares but it's without much heat and Helen lets out a quiet laugh at her feigned seriousness. She draws Lauren closer to her until she's practically on top of her, runs her hands down her back while Lauren watches, silently. 

"All good?" she asks, voice thick with sleep. Her eyes are closed and her face is half-buried in a pillow so her question comes out mostly muffled

Helen takes a moment to answer, and Lauren must get impatient because she pulls back, gazes at her sleepily.

Helen runs a hand down her back again, and tension she hadn't realized she was harbouring drains, warm calmness replacing it. She nods.

"Yes. Yes, I'm good."

"Okay," Lauren mutters, already settling back in. "Sleep now."

She slides a leg over Helen's thighs, pulls them even closer.

"G'night."

"Goodnight," Helen whispers but Lauren is already asleep.

  
Helen is tucked in the corner of the couch with her legs folded under her and her face drawn in anticipation. Her book must be getting good because she's mouthing the words, eyes widening with each passing second. Lauren smiles at her without meaning to. Then immediately rolls her eyes at herself.

Lately, she's been exhibiting extremely sappy behaviour and she has to cut it out. Sharpe's mouth drops, most likely at some twist and Lauren tries to hold back another smile. She isn't successful.

She tries to focus on her video, it's a good video, a snippet of an experimental surgery from Providence that Casey sent her a link to. Normally, Lauren's totally game for a little blood and bone but right now she can't focus, tuned in to Sharpe instead. It's not a real problem but she feels silly nonetheless. It's absurd how often she finds herself thinking of her, without meaning to.

The video buffers for a moment and she pauses it. Casey has already texted her to ask what she thinks. She does want to watch it but right now she wants something else more.

She studies Helen until she takes notice and shifts, tugs on a braid unconsciously.

"What?" she asks, sitting up halfway.

"Just... nothing." At least that's what her mouth says. Something deep in her heart whispers, 'just you, always you' and she shoves it down, down, down, where it belongs. It is way too soon to be having those thoughts and what's more she isn't the kind of person who has those thoughts. Lauren laughs at people like that. She is not a person like that. She isn't. She blames it on the lack of sleep. Something must show on her face anyway because Helen sits up, flashes her a knowing smile.

"Come here," she says, holding out her hand.

"The couch isn't big enough," Lauren says but she's already halfway there.

She takes off her shirt, chuckles at the way Helen shamelessly checks her out in her sports bra. The couch really isn't big enough but Helen slides down until she's lying flat and Lauren is halfway straddling her. 

Helen reaches over her to turn a page but Lauren grabs her hands and tries to school her expression into something innocent when Helen raises her eyebrows.

"Lauren, I'm reading."

Lauren shrugs. "Keep reading, I don't mind."

She's lying. Her hands are slowly but steadily making their way under Helen's shirt. She leans down for a kiss and smiles when she gets one but pouts when Helen tries to reach for her book again. 

"Lauren, I really want to finish this chap..." the rest of her sentence is lost to a squeal.

Helen pulls back, poking Lauren's hand, eyes narrowed. Lauren just smirks. She forgot about the ticklish spot Helen has, just under her left breast.

The first time they had slept together she had (one-handedly) taken off Helen's bra and was met with a giggle when she grabbed her. She tried to deny she was ticklish and Lauren had pressed in again, this time knowingly, amused by the entire situation.

That time had been quick, frantic, and a little hesitant the newness of it all rendering them cautious and careful.

Right now though, they have time and experience on their side. It's one of the rare days they both have off and Lauren intends to make the most of it.

She kisses Helen deeply, sighing delightedly when she opens her mouth. They make out lazily for a while, hands roaming absently. Helen pulls back for a second and says, "we should move to the bed," in the most unconvincing voice ever.

Lauren just kisses her again tugs on the strings on her shorts until they're loose enough for her to slide her hand under. Whatever Helen is trying to say is swallowed by a moan and Lauren grins into her neck. She bites that neck for good measure and is rewarded with a loud gasp.

"No more talking," Lauren declares and she feels Helen nod from under her.

They don't talk for hours.

* * *

  
The couch ended up being too small after all and they made their way to the floor after the first round. Helen's ridiculously expensive rug finally came in handy and the rug burns are few (and worth it).

Lauren is tucked up behind Helen, tracing lazy circles down her back. They are doing what is undeniably cuddling. Lauren will deny it but, it is what it is. 

Helen is on the verge of sleep; sex with Lauren is sometimes a full-on sport. Earlier was no different, Lauren was attentive, more so than usual even slipping off the couch hadn't slowed their momentum, Lauren using the moment to reposition them and drive Helen out of her mind. Now though, she is tired and starving. 

"We should order in," Lauren says pulling her closer. "And not from that veggie place, their portions are actually criminal."

"But they're so good."Helen teases smirking at Lauren's frown. "Alright, how about..." she feels for her phone, opens the delivery app and scrolls."Mediterranean? Santoni's is good and their portions are huge?"

"Hm, yeah okay," Lauren agrees and Helen quickly puts in the order.

Lauren sits up, runs a hand through her hair and Helen sighs because she is beautiful. It's one of the first things she noticed about her all the way back when.

Of course, she had heard of the fiery, no-nonsense ED doctor and how talented she was but upon meeting her, she had been struck by how beautiful she was. She sits up until she can reach Lauren's mouth and pulls her back down for a kiss.

Lauren smiles into it. "Again?" she says all smug and eager, but Helen shakes her head.

"No. I haven't even looked at my phone in hours my inbox must be a mess now, I should get work done. Also, I'm worn out," she says ignoring Lauren's preening. She stands up tugs her shirt back on and walks to the couch. She sits facing away from Lauren because she has no willpower and will cave, she knows. 

It's useless because Lauren joins her a moment later, lays her head in her lap and looks out at the living room.

"We should absolutely try to get some work done," Lauren says turning on the TV.

Helen smiles down at her absently from her phone. She verifies the order, makes sure to get extra sauce for Lauren and checks her emails. There are too many to count as well as 5 texts from Max all saying some variation of 'knew it' and 'we will be talking about this'. She laughs, shows them to Lauren who only rolls her eyes.

"Can't wait for that conversation," she says sarcastically. But it's without bite.

"It's just Max. We don't actually have to tell HR right away if you don't want to. Or anyone else." Anyone who mattered had seen them last night.

Lauren looks up from the TV. She says, almost indifferently, "Do you want? To tell HR I mean?" 

"Yes." Helen says after a moment, "but only if you're comfortable, too."

"Okay," is all Lauren says and Helen nods and lets it go. 

She sees it coming but lets Lauren think she surprises her, going easily when she flips them tossing her phone away and onto the carpet.

"I'll have to get up when the food comes," she protests. Weakly.

"Okay," Lauren says making no effort to move. Helen doesn't either.

* * *

  
Dinner is long over. They're eating dessert, vegan cookie dough ice cream that Lauren had begrudgingly admitted was just as good as the original much to Helen's amusement.

The TV is on, playing some action movie on low and before Helen can change it Lauren grabs the remote.

"I almost forgot! I DVR'd your segment." Lauren says around her spoon.

"Why? It's nothing you don't know. Also, when did you record it? I don't even know how." Helen says, going for the last piece of cookie from Lauren's icecream. She's stopped by Lauren tapping her hand with her spoon and she laughs, coming away with chocolate-covered fingers. 

"I just thought you might like to see it."

"But I hate watching myself. You know that."

"It'll be fun," Lauren insists. "I'll give you the rest of mine if you watch with me?"

Helen takes the icecream and settles in. She doesn't really watch the segments as they're little more than work to her but fair is fair. Besides, in an odd sort of way it's sweet that Lauren watches them, she thinks.

Lauren finds the recording and presses play. She laughs at a joke one of the hosts makes. It's a silly pun one Helen hadn't thought was funny at the time but smiled politely at anyway, but Lauren always finds that kind of thing hilarious and her laughing makes Helen smile.

Snaking her hand across the couch she finds Lauren's hand, threads their fingers together and tucks herself into her side.

"This is pretty good, I mean the show itself is corny as hell but it's good!" Lauren twists to tell her this, and Helen ducks her head, strangely shy now that they're actually watching. Lauren lifts her head, kisses her, just a tiny peck that tastes like cookies but Helen grabs her neck and leans on her right elbow deepening the kiss.

Helen pulls back and grins as Lauren chases her lips, settling for a kiss on the cheek. They turn back to the TV. She tunes it out a little because the hosts are still setting up her segment, taking prescanned audience questions and introducing her. 

"Hel? You listening?" Lauren tugs on her arm and nips at a collarbone.

"Mhm, "Helen nods. 

"I said, you should do them again. They're kinda cheesy but it's way better than the news slot and definitely better than that funding piece on Good Morning New York."

"It's not always my choice love, the hospital reps talk to the showrunner and they set it-- wait. Good Morning New York?"

"Yeah, remember, you had that segment on funding? Honestly, they rushed it, should have given you more time."

"No I remember, but that was... almost a year ago now, "Helen says. She notices the tips of Lauren's ears go red, a sure sign that she's embarrassed and Helen almost lets it go. Almost.

"Yeah, a clip of it popped up online recently." Lauren tries to play it off all nonchalant but the intense way she's focusing on the tv kind of ruins it. 

"Online? Like on..."

"Youtube or something. I don't know, it was randomly recommended to me."

"Aren't recommendations are based on what you're already watching, though?"

Lauren is looking literally anywhere else, intently refusing to meet Helen's eyes.

"So," Helen says trying to keep any teasing out of her voice. It only half works. "You cyber-stalked me."

"No. Because this is isn't 2005." Lauren rolls her eyes but blushes hard, "I just watched a few videos is all. You know, once they announced you were joining the team. Whatever."

"But that was years ago."

Lauren sighs then appears to accept her fate, "yeah well maybe I liked your accent I don't remember--"

"Did you?" Helen teases laughing at Lauren's exaggerated groan.

She decides to leave it, because Lauren is bright red and hiding her face in a throw pillow and as adorable as finds this very flustered version of Lauren she's obviously at the end of her rope so Helen takes pity.

"Thank you. For watching. Whenever you watched." She says this mostly into Lauren's chest because she's still looking away and these sorts of sentimental moments aren't really her thing. But Helen wants her to know anyway. Mostly those appearances as 'Dr. Helen' are just another part of the job but sometimes they're exhausting and feel entirely useless.

Lauren's quiet until the commercial, tapping random patterns into the hand that's holding hers.

"You're welcome," she says, finally looking at Helen's face again. She still looks flushed but she seems to have gotten over her initial embarrassment and is smiling this sheepish, little smile.

"There was, maybe, a crush. A tiny crush," she admits and Helen grins.

"I know," Helen whispers, then kisses her so she doesn't feel pressured to respond.

She nestles in between Lauren's legs, slides a hand under her shirt and settles down to watch the show.

In a few hours, Lauren will leave. Her apartment will be quiet again and she'll have to do some actual work. But that's still some time away. For now, they just enjoy each other before real life begins again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and that's it! just a short little story about them together. i have a few one shots already brewing but that's all for now.


End file.
